"They Didn't Have That in Our Day": How to Handle Family Judgment Around Neurodivergent Children
If you've ever heard the phrase "We didn’t have that in our day" after mentioning autism, sensory needs, or ADHD to a family member, you're not alone.
It's one of the most common, frustrating responses parents hear when trying to explain neurodiversity to older generations. And while these comments often come from a place of misunderstanding (or even love), they can feel invalidating, dismissive, and incredibly isolating.
So how do you approach these tricky conversations with family members who just don’t get it?
1. Start with Curiosity, Not Combat
Rather than jumping in with correction, try approaching the conversation with curiosity:
"That’s interesting, what do you mean by that?"
"What do you remember about children who struggled in school or found social things difficult?" This gives you insight into their beliefs and opens the door to more constructive dialogue.
2. Acknowledge the Generational Gap
Understanding of neurodiversity has evolved dramatically in recent years. Diagnoses, language, and awareness simply weren’t available when our parents or grandparents were raising kids. Try saying:
"You're right, they didn't have the same words for it then. But the children were still there. They just didn’t get the support."
3. Use Real-Life Examples
Sometimes it helps to relate your child’s needs to people your family knows or remembers:
"Do you remember Uncle John always pacing or hating crowds? We now understand that might have been sensory processing challenges." This makes the conversation less theoretical and more personal.
4. Set Boundaries with Kindness
You don’t have to convince everyone. And you certainly don’t need to accept judgment. Try:
"I understand this might feel new or different, but these are the supports that help [child's name] thrive. I’d love for you to be part of that."
"I’m open to questions, but I won’t accept comments that make [child's name] feel like something is wrong with them."
5. Reframe the Narrative
Sometimes, people hear "diagnosis" and think it means something negative. Help them see it as a tool:
"Knowing more about how [child's name] experiences the world helps us support them better. It’s not about labels, it’s about understanding."
6. Give Resources (If They’re Ready)
You can gently introduce books, podcasts, or short videos that explain neurodiversity in relatable ways. Choose accessible, non-judgmental sources like:
Through the Child’s Eyes by Natasha (available now via ChildCentric.co.uk)
TED Talks on neurodiversity
Short Instagram reels or cartoons for light introductions
7. Protect Your Peace
If a family member is repeatedly dismissive, it’s okay to step back. Prioritise your child’s emotional safety and your own mental wellbeing. You are your child's advocate. And your validation does not have to come from your parents, in-laws, or any other relative.
You’re not overreacting. You’re not being too sensitive. You’re parenting in a way that honours your child’s needs – and that’s brave.
Hard conversations with family aren’t easy. But they can be transformative.
Because the more we help others understand, the more supported our children will be.
Share this with someone who needs help navigating tricky family dynamics.
